Tuesday, November 6, 2007

washing machine by men

Here at tspoonfr, we aim not only to highlight the grave miscarriages of injustice or the latest football news, we go far beyond the top ten adult movies for 2007, here at the tspoonfr blogspot we offer house maintenance and fashion tips like Trisha and dietry advise for those the wrong side of a size 12.

Today the dilema in the office was over the washing machine. Some of you out there may be wondering whether 8 professional I.T. consultants being paid 5000 euros a day, have nothing more to do than discuss the finer points of household appliances. In case our manager is reading this blog, we have just checked the systems and all is fine (standard I.T. Line). Anyway back to the washing machine syndrome. Granted, in this team of eight dedicated workers, some who arrived at work at 09:25, there remains only one soletry female. However I am sure Veena does not feel intimidated by our presence, and can more than hold her own on the coffee-shop night-outs.

As we were discussing life and universe, I explained my dilema about why women love to do the washing so often? For those men folk accustomed to arriving home and finding, knickers, pants, t-shirts, baby clothes strung out all across the sitting room and over radiators, you know the situ. It's not that we don't mind once or twice a week, but when your house looks more like the laundrette in Eastenders, on a daily basis, you one day expect to come home and find Dot Cotton, hanging out you boxers.

A few months ago I was entrusted and signed a form, to look after our daughter while wifey went to work. Yes I was house-husband and my role consisted of the things that most mothers do on a daily basis. Just so we get the picture that man can function and do - it's just that if we didn't have runnings to do - then we would be able to spend more time helping in the house. During my three month stint of Desperate House Husband's, I did not use the washing machine once. We do posses a washing machine in case some of you are asking, but I fail to see the point in using it, when there is a good service-wash up the road. This is how it works, for those more prone to watching the events in the Queen Vic rather than watching how Dot runs tings for Mr Operdop.

First I do not give myself stress, that there are dirty clothes in the wash basket. My male mindset confirms that the purpose of the wash basket is to actualy put dirty clothes in. Once I grasped that concept the rest was easy. Now I know my children have enough underwear to last them for a whole month, much less a week, as the grandparents are forever sending packs of three from the market. There are even packets of knickers that my daughter will have be re-born to fit into. But hey, what do we know? So now that I have established that there is enough clothing to last a two-week cycle, then I need only wash the clothes every two weeks. I can see all the men reading this, saying , but that just common sense - but look around your sitting room and the radiators and question if you have common sense running through your house. Under no circumstances, should you question wifey's role and the way she does things. This is a mere thought that should be be kept in the brain.

Everything went fine for the first week, all school clothes were ironed and placed out, on hangers, ready for the next day. I had a cooking rota to let me know the weekly meal plan. I also drew up a cleaning rota, which would ensure that I did not miss any of the cricket matches in the 2007 cricket world cup. When wifey returned home at the end of her first week, I was not so much greeted with pleasantries and back-slapped for keeping our children away from social services, but the horrified look on her face when she saw the amount of washing in the clothes basket. I have it all under controlled I tried to beg, explaining my new system, hoping she will marvel at the time, effort and dedication I put into my new role. Before I could even explain that I have another week to go, wifey was looking to set the dials on number 12 and put on a whites, at 9 o'clock in the evening! Was I missing something from my master plan? What could be so simple as to give your clothes the the male 'Dot, and collect them 2 hours later, washed, dried, no taking over the sitting room, only waiting to be ironed. Which I had already scheduled for when Monday night football is on. Where did I go wrong? The following morning, clothes were all over the place as though the cast members of Eastenders had moved back in.

The following weekend I actually hid the clothes basket in the garden shed, so wifey would not find it and disrupt my masterplan. When prompted as to the whereabout's of the children's pyjamas, I denied all knowledge and started to romance wifey, to take her mind off matters as trivil as washing clothes. When this failed to work, 11 minutes later, I was still being investigated tougher than MacIntyre on 'Undercover Crook'. My stubborness to plead the fifth ammendment, got me off the hook and the said battle was won.

When I eventually got around to dropping the clothes off for their inaugural service wash, I found the whole process smooth and stress-free. I found I had time to take in the beautiful surroundings of Marseille, stop and have a coffee, collect some groceries and natter to the old lady at the end of the chemin, who wondered if all black guys are house-efficient as myself? Not on one occassion did my children have to visit the supermarket as I had ample time to do this throughout the day. Neither were they late for school or went without a meal, many of which they chose themselves. They were up to date with homework and making their beds and yet I was still able to watch La Liga on Sky sports 1.

I do not wish to question any of the methods of mothers, as they have done and still continue to do a wonderful jon in raising all of us to the standards we now adhere. However I cannot seem to feel, that if the roles were more reversed and men stayed at homes to house manage, then we would not be hearing 'I got another headache' line too often. You get headache because the rays from the washing machine are making you doo lally. Said a man from the Daily Telegraph and not me.


Anonymous said...

I would like to congratulate you on not using the washing machine and ask if not using the letterbox, french-english dictionary, cheque book to pay bills, the mop, the bleach, not finding dirt under any beds, not moving any furniture to clean, not putting up the light fittings, not watering the garden, not cooking fresh vegetables, not reading the childrens letters from school and not a.o.b i havent mentioned as well while you were "house husband", were these also awarded so highly and so well discussed at work?

Love from Wifey x

PS its good that you like the launderette though really it is - nobody died and I have absolutely no fear of leaving you in "charge" again!

Anonymous said...

I see from your email that you have a lot of time on your hands... I don't wish to sound VEX but we women have a system that you will never understand, that's why we manage to achieve so much more in one day and don't pass off our chores on other people 'Dot'. My partner and I have discussed your format and he is in agreement that ' you should just simply the clothes in the machine during 1/2 time and put then out to dry before the next game starts. His system seems to work as this means that he does not have to leave the house or the telly for long.