Friday, November 23, 2007

News review week ending 23 November 2007

news review week ending 23 Nov 2007

Before you continue to read, are you smoking something different to last week? There is enough variety to read each weekly review, with a different smoke. As they say variety is the spice of life....

  • The Home Office and the missing CD's
As a database consultant who happens to know a thing or three about databases, the discovery that the government lost 2 CD's sent via an internal envelope, which contained the identity details of 25 million people made me want to immediately apply for a contract position at this Humpty Dumpty home office. The last time I used CD's to move data was back in 2001 and even then the recipient couldn't read the disc. What kind of network does the government have where they have to transfer data via CD and snail mail? Have the government heard of Database links? Does the government have an IT department? Does the government know the meaning of IT? Saying all of that if anyone reading this blog has access to the said CD's in question, can they please get in touch, as for a small consultant donation I am sure I can extract the neccessasry data and produce into readable documents.

  • The French Strikes - what's it all about ?
Now into it's second week of train disruptions and strikes, France is bracing itself for a d'hiver (winter, for those who were too busy eyeing the French teacher and not concentrating) of major clashes involving the unions and the new French President, Nicholas Sarozky. You see, the French peeps are very much like me - hence the reason I have lived there happily for the past six years. They don't like to go to work and if they have to it's for the least amount of time as possible. Already they work the least amount of hours in europe, at thirty-five and then many mothers do not work on a Wednesday (Mecredi) as children under thireteen do not attend school that day. Most of the argument centres around the union workers, who having just seen the president take a 140% (yes that right) pay rise, Sarkozky also wants to increase the age many French workers can retire, from 55 to 60 - so you can imagine, the peeps from va-va-voom are non too pleased and aided by the power of the unions, will provide an interesting test to the man, recently earning minimum wage.

  • England fail to qualify for Euro 2008
Ha ha, brilliant news. "Oh I wish it could be christmas, every day". "Sunshine on a rainy day".

Northern Rock
Following the bankcrupy or mafia-scam of the Northern Rock bank, the governement has concluded that it will cost the taxpayer on average £900 to help bale out the ailing bank. Well should this crazy plan manifest itself into public domain I suggest you inform the home secretary, responsible for drafting such childlike nonsense, that he could save on the postage by mailing the letter where the sun does not see daylight.

  • Steve McClown and the Muppetts
reporter: Steve you asked to be judged by your results, will you stick to your statements and resign?
McClown: Although we failed to qualify for the championships and that is a major disappointment, I will not walk away or offer my resignation.
reporter: With the draw for the world cup, to be made on Friday do you think you will be on the plane to South Africa for that draw?
McClown: It's been a very long and disappointing evening, The players are upset and I have not thought beyond this evening and feel I have let the nation down.
reporter: So do you think you can lift the players and prepare them for a set of friendly games over the next year and a half?
McClown: I have enjoyed every moment as England head coach and proud of the job I have done.

10:10pm - Press conference called for the following morning scheduled at 08:30am.

F.A. We have made a unanimous decsion to terminate Steve McClown tenure as head coach of England with immediate effect.

  • England fail to qualify for Euro 2008 - part 2
If I was paid £80 grand a week and negotiating a new three year contract then people who don't know me could boo all they like. It's called arrogance and generally comes from earning £3.7 million per year and knowing your not that good at what you do. You also cannot have the workers earning more than the boss (sorry boss, I'm an exception who also happens to bring in the croissant's on Friday's). I can imagine McClown giving a team talk and the players thinking, what's he done in the game and should I buy that new coochie a porsche 911 or a 959? Remind me how many overseas players were playing in England prior to the premiership, when England were dominating world football? If no more foriegn stars are allowed to play in the prem and we only get to see the sights of Jermaine Pennant, Robbie Savage and Emile 'The Hess' Heskey, then it will be time to broadcast live Pro Evolution playstaion games on SKY Sports 1.

  • English guy found in Weed factory in Holland
After being on the run for 15 year an English man was found hiding out in a cannabis factory in central Amsterdam. It was only from the strong smell of the new AK47 weed, that the public queued around the block to purchase a bag. When a police officer went to purchase and was small changed an investigation opened and English man will spending the next 25 years to life, with his back against the wall, trying not to get 'salad tossed'. Maybe they should start look for Bin Laden in Amsterdam. In fact I thought I saw him last night in the Baloo coffee shop off the Warmostraat.


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