Friday, November 23, 2007

Application form for England Manager

I have formally announced that I will apply for the position of Head Coach/ Team Manager/ Coach/ Entrainer or whatever else people use as a term to manage a football team. I will announce my details and reasoning at a scheduled press conference this afternoon at 16:30 CET.
Application form for the position of England Manager

Name: tspoonfr - website

Date of Birth: - The wrong side of 35. And quite happy with my age, thank you very much. Feisty!!

Age: See above

Born: Souf London, Home of the 4 for 10 DVD's and knock off Gucci watches. Forget Paris, Milan and New York. Souf is where it at.

Family: partner of 15 years, 2 children, brother, sister, Mum, x amount of cousin's, niece's and nephew's. Millions of other black guys I nod head to and call 'bro' but they're not really my brother's just a term of respect.

Clubs played for: Arnside under 10's, Maidenhead United, (works league) A few others I can't recall, but I was normally player of the year. Even when playing in the cubs and scouts I looked comfortable in the yellow and blue of Brazil.

Football Qualifications: A and B badges in map reading from Cubs. Oh football. None at the moment, but I can download some if required. I get most questions right on QofS.

Previous clubs managed: I'd like to change the word to applied. It is no secret that I have applied to manage Liverpool football club on a number of occassions, but for one thing or another, the timing has not been right or they have short-listed me and I missed out. Very unprofessional I must say.

Football Honours: A lot of medals, that my mum lost or cannot find after 28 years. Trophies, which no doubt are in the same place. Also have a lot of subbuteo stuff left over, that can't be sold on ebay.

International Honours: On a tour of Ireland back in the day, I was man of the tournament for scoring 8 goals in three games against our Irish counterparts.

International experience: Worked in many countries over the past ten years and have therefore watched a lot of games on Eurosport. An indepth knowledge of players, teams, hooligan's, tickets from the tout's but actual management of anything international, I'm afraid no. I'm not even responsible for rizla's in the smoking club at work.

Hobbies: Is this section password protected? Are the readers familiar with men in lingerie and fetishness?

Musical tastes: 'Pac, BIG and Jadakiss, Kano, Sway, Ms Dynamite and that's it. Do not listen to anyone else. A bit of G Unit (Tony Yayo and Lloyd Banks) and my brethren DJ Latintin now and again for variety.

Favourite team: Liverpool of course. 18 league titles, 5 european cups (have you noticed the teams who haven't won it, call it the champions league?)

Football role models: Bill Shankley and Bob Paisley. The best two managers in the history of the game.

Describe your playing and mangement style:

I had the pace of Tony Daley, vision and skill of Hoddle, tackling strength and midfield domination like Graeme Souness and could score goals from midfield at a better ratio than fat Frank. Although I was far from the complete player as I was weak at heading and taking corners, a la David Beckham, I was no less than third pick in any playground or back grass games.

Clubs honours did beckon, as I wrote for trials at Crystal Palace and Dulwich Hamlet respectively, after I watched an episode of 'Jim'll Fix It' and saw a white boy run out with his hero's at White Hart Lane. The disappointment failed to dampen my spirits but we moved house and the rest as they say is history. It wasn't until I was in my early twenties that I picked up the game again, with the forlorn hope of making the Nigerian squad for the 1990 world cup. At the time, as I recall the clamour was for anyone of African ancestory, so my friends and I had a fair crack, but were quickly turfed out of the squad, as we had no idea what 419 was at the time. I have finished a credible 15th and escaped relegation the following year in Premiership Manager 2004. I would like to test my skills aganst european opposition but my son has hidden the game to stop me ruining his stats. So I would say management is in my veins, as I manage my children's homework and supervise when they brush their teeth. (Although I let them cheat sometimes and allow them to brush for 2 minutes)

The management of the National team is the next logical step and I would approach the role with enthusiasm and determination, bringing along a back up team involving John Barnes, Neil Ruddock and Les Ferdinand, all at the right price. We would play the 4-4-1-1 formation, with myself as the holding midfield player. Should my metatassal not recover and force me to sit in the stands, I would like to be like Sam Allaydyce with my headphones on looking rather important and Fifaish.

However nothing can be put in place until we agree numbers and should my agent decide to pull a fast one, the starting salary I am seeking is £6.5 million over two years, which I believe in this climate of football greed is very generous considering the plight and laughing stock of the english football team. It's either Mourinho or me. Price and quality (Mourinho) rather than flair and man-management skills. I cannot guarantee a semi-final or final at the next World Cup, but what you will notice, will be that the crowd will be stoned and go home in-toxicated and therefore more likely to not notice player's mistakes.


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