Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Riisegate Scandal

Published last week in many of the national newspapers, was a photocopy of the Liverpool player, John Arne Riise, September payslip, released from the accounts office at the club or someone raiding Riise dustbins. How it got into the hands of the newspapers in any one's guess but suffice to say it makes Riise's pay packet look on par with a 3 day a week car thief. Many of you may be thinking £120,000 per month is not bad to kick a football and travel the world. Well Europe to be precise. But that's to miss the point. What I picked up from the wage slip, was not that Darren Fletcher and Mario Melchiot are on higher salaries, but the amount of tax that Riise is paying. £55 grand a month in taxes? That’s more than £1/2 million over the year and I’m sure Riise is not due any tax rebate. John if you're reading this, get in touch brey. The only expenses were for match tickets and meals. The meals only totalled £65. Are you eating in Burger King, John? And that was it. No taxi or hotel receipts? Not even a miscellaneous allowance? Can it be that John, born in Norway, is not wise to the way things work in England? While fellow footballers mock Riise for his naivety and dumbness a sense of duty prevailed towards my beloved Liverpool football team, so I could no longer keep quiet and allow Riise to enhance the Inland Revenue’s coffers, as they get enough as it is from petrol and TV license fees. This article is specifically for John Arne Riise, but should anyone else look to take these teachings on-board then I cannot be held liable, accountable or any other able you care to mention. If you do not know how the game flows in England, then shame on you. Even Tony Blair has three houses, down in Brighton, allegedly. I'm trying to help our fellow European neighbours who suffer temperatures of minus 40 degrees, so have a heart and learn to integrate.

Five ideas where John Arne Riise could save tax

1. Property: John you need to download a few documents from the web, complete and send to Northern Rock building society, Feltham branch, asking for a 100% mortgage up to £300,000. Demanding anything higher will result in your case not being dealt by my friend Tony or his office. Not a lot more I can say, but my accountant says this will save you 8% on your £120k per month. He'll do this for a drink, of course.

2. Art: A Van Gogh or Henry Matisse circa 1842. Art has been tax deductible since 1992. You don't actually buy a painting, but find a friend, working in an antiques store able to write a receipt up to £4,000 per month. This will provide a yearly tax saving of £48,000.

3. Laptops: Not sure how you will get around this, as you're not in the I.T. field, maybe you could substitute laptops for footballs or training tops. Basically you need to buy (hopefully by now you know you don't actually purchase anything, a receipt is sufficient) a laptop, once a month and obtain a receipt. Laptops can be pricey around holiday times so try to buy at least four a year, at Easter, xmas, queen’s birthday and your birthday. Dell currently has laptops going for £8,500. So four of them a year is another £30 odd grand. Hopefully you'll find a Bill Gates of the football world.

4. Give Rio Ferdinand and Nigel Reo Coker a phone. Five minutes having a word with those two, will give you an insight into personal finances Jamie Carragher and Steve Finnan would never dream of. In fact simply ask to see Rio's wage slip and you'll see the number of expenses we South London man create to keep the tax man off our backs.

5. Charity: This is the new millennium scam, whereby you set up a registered charity, helping to save dolphins or giraffe’s. Then on a monthly basis donate 10% of your salary to this charity. Of course the charity does not exist, but the relevant paperwork, which can be downloaded at will explain away any differences.

These are a few suggestions I am able to provide to John and again would like to clarify I have no financial experience other than fantasy football league These are my personal views discovered on the internet at various Nigerian web sites, recommended by my friend Tayo। Should all the above fail, then storm into Benitez's office and demand a salary on par with Harry Kewell. £30,000 a week is a disgrace to the profession you represent.


No comments: