Monday, November 5, 2007

Celebrity Divorce

Celebrity Divorce

The recent spate of celebrity break-ups involving Chris Tarrent andPaul McCartney where the female victim is claiming some supercheese/dollars/papers/bread/wonga. Whatever you deem call it - it's a huge settlement and led me to thinking, what would be the prognosis should that be the case involving Mr Bobby Brown and Ms Whitney Hosuton. I was bored at work today so this is what I wrote whilst looking busy, prior to lunch.

Judge: "I understand Ms Houston-Brown that you wish to file for divorce against the said plaintiff here, based on unreconcievable differences, infidelity and the fact the quality and grade of drugs towhich, Mr ‘My Prerogative’ Brown, used to supply has somewhat diminished. Is this correct Bitch? Pardon me, I mean Ms Heroin-Brown,Houston-Brown."

Whitney: "Your Honour, ladies and gentleman in the audience, people on MTV and all the MF hoes down in Long Island and niggas up in Chi Town. What's up y'all? Don't player-hater a player. Bobby been mis-treating me for a long time. Y’all got our business every goddam day in all the newspapers, magazines, CNN even the Discovery Channel and we don’t get an invite to the Oprah show. They even start makes jokes about us; like that Mother Fucker Jamie Foxx".

You know the real problem? All these bitches up in the house. My house!! Is no place to be raising little Bobby-Christina. I heard that normal drug dealers, ones that I see on the TV Show, not that I know any of them personally, mind-you; drop off the drugs, fine grain sensiiiiiiiii, and go home or go to sell more drugs. That's what I heard, your Grace. Not these niggas. Oh no!! They should be up in this y’here judging place for violation of my Man.

"These peeps up in the house for days at a time. Eating out my mother-fucking groceries, using the bath towels in bathroom 6 and doing all kinds of R.Kelly nastiness in the guest rooms. It's not fair that when they gone he wants me to dress up and smoke rocks with him. He started me. I was a good Church going Christian girl until I met Mike Tyson that one night. I luuurrvvvveee you Bobby"

Judge: "That will be enough singing, thank you. This is not Soul-Train, hoe."

Whitney: "It's been a long time your majesty, I have no album deal or no record contract. I can't even get a break at Hugh Heffner mansion, as a Playboy Bunny. You think I would look good Mr J in leather, with a whip, rabbit leotard and timberlands? I could do a discount for you, you know.

As I was saying to Bob, BB, BJ, well you not behaving like the mack-daddy no more up in here. Ya get me. "Ain't nothing going on but the rent. The rent Mother Fucker! The rent!! When was thelast time you hooked me up Booboo? ‘No rent or rocks, no punani. Excuse my use of the American language, people in the court-house, crack-house. Shizzle my nizzle…… "

Judge: "Now Ms Houston Rocket, you need to calm down and not be getting you're groove down as my new homie Kanye spits it. He also tells me you give good ...."

Whitney: "Groove on, your honour? Groove on. Are you sure you do not mean 'getting my groove on'? So you’re now ballin’ with KY Jelly, ooops sorry Kanye baby". That’s what us close friends like to call Kanye – "KY"……"

Bobby: "Bitch how long we gone be in this place, I got shit to do? "

Whitney: "Boo boo - just hold tight. I'm trying to fix up a little cashflow for us. Sssshhhh. We gone be in time to meet the ‘Man’. Hold onto to your pipe baby and stop rustling that foil – everyone can hear. We in a financial situation, involving the corporation of the taxation in the nation.

Judge: "Can we get back to proceedings? And leave this midnight-hour, cable TV, adult doctors and nurses, until as such a time is suitable? God-Damm crack-heads. Like New Jack City every day. All we need is for Nino Brown to walk in".

Judge: "Now I understand Ms Hoe, that you are seeking $28.5 million dollars in punitive damages as a result of being married to 'cracky' for 11 years in which you suffered severe mental, physical and substance abuse. Would that be correct girlfriend?".

Whitney: "Substance Abuse. No one ever forced no weed and crack into me. It was all self inflicted and wonderful. I can put a rock and pipe together in total darkness, your honour".

Judge: "I'm sure you have many talents; however you cannot apply for alimony unless you can prove that you gave up your career to benefit that of your husband's and in turn suffered both a financial and career disposition as a result of this. The law is quite clear".

Whitney: "I know the law. Non Celebrity passengers are not allowed to carry more than 4 grams in the glove compartment. No hiding drugs in my jacket sleeves, while boarding a plane to Miami. I'm not stupid. I know the rules of the game Daddy-o. I'm world renowned artiiiiistttt, who should have won that grammy that was STOLEN from yours truely; who made millions of women jealous when I let Kev Cos grab my breasts in the filming ofBodyguard. I ain't no hoe. It's Art. And I''m an Artiiiiiisssssttttt. I wanted to develop my artistic repertoire and be as big as Oprah. I belong to a book club too... What just because we’re considered crack-heads, that mean we can’t read? No wonder Steadman don’t want to marry your sorry-ass.

Bobby: "You got the papers yet hoe? How long you gone be? I got things to do, bitches to see. Rocks to get. We gotta meet OJ".

Judge: "As I said, unless you can prove that your career suffered, then I'm afraid I will have to adjourn your case until as such a time as the crown prosecution are satisfied and therefore the solicitors for both parties will be performing personality dis-order tests to ensure there is no foul-play. We'll be in touch via the solicitors and hope to see you back in court next month for the conclusion. Is this understood by both plaintiff and defendant?"

Bobby: "So do we got the money Mother Fucker, cause I got’s shit to do? And who be having a party and where? We invited? Aiiightt. Let's roll.... Better not be those square mother fuckers, New Edition, the no-drug-taking, Nancy Regan, Just-say-no niggas."

Whitney: "You higher than a mother fucker come to mama, boo boo and we’ll do the rock-away - that’s real love there Bubby, real love Baby. …."

come back next month to see the conclusion of the ground-breaking divorce proceedings in the Brown-Houston-Brown case


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